Yup my whole life has been a matrix of sorts. I don't know when it began but there has been some one pulling on this puppets strings for most of my life. Plan went wrong when I was going back to cali and didn't give any reason why except for lies. I caught on and now you are stuck trying to reintroduce me into the world and it isn't going as planned. I changed my ways because of the Rachelle W, as I know her as, she wasn't suppose to last. I already know I was video taped transporting seeds. Those are my back up plan and always have been if I couldn't find her and get a new life together as I truly wanted... a real life one with out the tug of war. Stability of a home and a wife is all I ever really wanted and she taught me that. I don't want to play it further so I made up my mind about who she is I will stay celebate for even though I know deep down she will never show up for real in my life again nor will any of my what I thought to be freinds. No woman I have ever met really liked me or wanted me, no guy was really more then a place haven't we been over this enough times? there is no love story for me, it was all prearranged. I will be the first to say I have no game. Thanks for rubbing it in my face again with the show last night.
Yup deep down I truly have no self esteem left just a dream of a girl that once was and I accept her in the future or any other friends but not if they are faking it with cameras rolling. I am going to figure out the "DIY" of being a recluse. Sex, drugs, and rock n roll is what the show was about to the world in reality it was the painful journey of a mentally ill man who never really had a chance in hell to start with weather his life was real or not.
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